


Geek Humor

by thealphagate_archivist, Xochiquetzl



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-04
Updated: 2006-03-04
Packaged: 2019-02-02 05:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12720228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xochiquetzl/pseuds/Xochiquetzl
Summary: A new usenet news server is installed.





	Geek Humor

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

From: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [HammondGL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:HammondGL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Server request

Dear sir:

I've had some requests for a local usenet news server. Request permission to install one.

We've all been kind of stressed lately, and I think it would be good for morale.

Maj. Carter

* * *

From: [HammondGL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:HammondGL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: re: Server request

> I've had some requests for a local usenet news server. Request  
> permission to install one.

Proceed.

* * *

From: [Jaffa.Tealc@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](http://astele.co.uk/AlphaGate/Chapter/Details/Jaffa.Tealc@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Usenet information errors

Major Carter, I regret to inform you that several persons have placed false information in the area of the usenet information server called alt.sex.with.aliens.true.confessions. I have never, on any occasion, had sexual relations with any of the nurses in the infirmary.

Please correct this information immediately.

* * *

From: [JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
cc: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)

Subject: Complaint about usenet

This is to formally register my complaint about the newsgroup on the base usenet server entitled "alt.binaries.images.drjackson.naked." I can't tell if there's anything in it, not that I know where they'd get naked pictures of me anyway, because I am blocked from the group. I don't care. I want it gone. Now.

Daniel

* * *

From: [FraiserJL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:FraiserJL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: your finger

Please stop by my office on your way out so I can look at your finger again. I still don't see how you could have sprained it on your own keyboard.

* * *

From: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
cc: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: re: Complaint about Usenet

The newsgroup has been deleted.

* * *

From: [FraiserJL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:FraiserJL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [AllHands@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:AllHands@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Medical Exam Schedule

This is an announcement for all personnel. We are currently conducting a full S.T.D. screen on all personnel identified in photos from the alt.binaries.images.sex.with.tokraspice news group. This will delay the normal physical exam schedule three weeks. This does not include post mission exams.

Also, any personnel who had had contact with Freya and have not already been contacted, please report to the infirmary to schedule an exam. In order to encourage more personnel to come forward, General Hammond has promised no psychological evaluations will be required.

Major Dr. Janet Fraiser, CMO CMAFB

* * *

From: [JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: re: re: Complaint about Usenet

> The newsgroup has been deleted.

And replaced with another one entitled "alt.binaries.images.sexy.archeologist.naked." Isn't there anything you can do about this? Like, say, delete the entire "alt" tree from the server?

I do NOT see the humor in this.

* * *

From: [FraiserJL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:FraiserJL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [AllHands@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:AllHands@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Medical Exam Schedule Ammendum

Due to the overwhelming response to my last message the normal schedule is now delayed five weeks.

Also, in order to speed the process, we are now asking that only personnel who did *not* have contact with Freya report to the infirmary. It's just easier to keep track of that way

Major Dr. Janet Fraiser, CMO CMAFB

* * *

From: [Jaffa.Tealc@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](http://astele.co.uk/AlphaGate/Chapter/Details/Jaffa.Tealc@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Continued problems with usenet.

Major Carter, I regret to inform you that although you have removed the area of the usenet information server known as alt.sex.with.aliens.true.confessions erroneous information is now appearing in the area known as alt.sex.fetish.tealc.fanfic. I have never, on any occasion, had sexual relations with any members of a Musical Group known as The Spice Girls.

Please correct this information immediately.

* * *

From: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [FraiserJL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:FraiserJL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: re: Medical Exam Schedule Ammendum

> Also, in order to speed the process, we are now asking that only   
> personnel who  
> did *not* have contact with Freya report to the infirmary. It's just easier  
> to keep track of that way

Ewww...

Me

* * *

From: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: re: re: Complaint about Usenet

> > The newsgroup has been deleted.  
>  
> And replaced with another one   
> entitled "alt.binaries.images.sexy.archeologist.naked." Isn't  
> there anything you can do about this? Like, say, delete the  
> entire "alt" tree from the server?

This newsgroup has also been deleted. I am currently investigating the situation, and plan to revoke whoever's newsgroup creation priveleges.

I'm VERY sorry,  
Sam

* * *

From: [FraiserJL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:FraiserJL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Your next physical.

Good news! I thought you should know I've arranged an opening in the exam schedule. We won't have to reschedule your check up after all.

P.S. Major Carter has deleted the news group 

alt.binaries.images.scary.doctor.lady.pant.drool.slobber

* * *

From: [JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: re: re: re: Complaint about Usenet

> > > The newsgroup has been deleted.  
>  
> > And replaced with another one   
> > entitled "alt.binaries.images.sexy.archeologist.naked." Isn't  
> > there anything you can do about this? Like, say, delete the  
> > entire "alt" tree from the server?  
>  
> This newsgroup has also been deleted. I am currently investigating  
> the situation, and plan to revoke whoever's newsgroup creation  
> priveleges.

**THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!**

There is now a group entitled "alt.binaries.images.drjackson.naked.pant.drool.moan.bump.grind."

I want their account pulled. I want them FIRED. Okay, maybe not, that's a little harsh, but according to regulations it's within my rights. At the very least, tell me who it is so I can create embarrassing newsgroups about THEM and see how much THEY like it! 

> I'm VERY sorry.

When I find out who it is I'll make THEM sorry!

Seethe,  
That's Dr. Jackson to you until this is resolved

* * *

From: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [DavisPR@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:DavisPR@CMAFB.USAF.MIL), [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
cc: [HammondGL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:HammondGL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
bcc: [JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: The jig is up

If you two don't stop creating newsgroups about Daniel, I'm handing over the evidence to him. He is NOT amused. As a matter of fact, he's baying for blood. 

BTW, he didn't notice "alt.drjackson.whipme.beatme.make.me.write.hot.checks" but I deleted it anyway before he sues the Air Force for sexual harrassment.

I wonder how funny General Hammond thinks this is. 

Tempted to delete both your accounts,  
Major Samantha Carter

* * *

From: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Busted!

I see Dr. Fraiser found 

alt.binaries.images.scary.doctor.lady.pant.drool.slobber. I told you 

that was a bad idea.

Me

* * *

From: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: re: Busted!

I don't know what you're talking about.

* * *

From: [DavisPR@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:DavisPR@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: I was framed!

It was all Col. O'Neill! He did it all, I swear! I don't know why you think I'm involved, but I didn't do it! I have the utmost respect for Dr. Jackson and would never, ever do such a thing!

Also, there is now a newsgroup entitled, 

"alt.sex.fetish.majordavis.french.maid.outfit." Not that I expect a lot of sympathy, since you apparently believe I deserve it, but could you please do something about this? 

I swear on my mother's grave,  
Major Paul Davis

* * *

From: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Geeze.

Can't a guy have a little fun without people going postal?

I didn't create the first group. That was all Davis. But as soon as I saw how much it yanked Daniel's chain I couldn't resist.

You told him it was me, didn't you? "alt.sex.fetish.oneills.butt.lace.panties" and "alt.binaries.images.col.oneill.shower.surveillance" were my first clues. Jesus, I'm dying to retaliate in kind. This is FUN. But nooooo, General Hammond gave me a lecture about it. Thanks for ccing him, by the way. I wonder if he'd relent if I begged. I can't wait to see what else Daniel can come up with. 

alt.sex.fetish.chocolate-covered.drjackson,  
Me

* * *

From: [Jaffa.Tealc@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](http://astele.co.uk/AlphaGate/Chapter/Details/Jaffa.Tealc@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Continued problems with usenet.

Major Carter, I regret to inform you that although you have removed the area of the usenet information server known as alt.sex.fetish.tealc.fanfic pictures of me in various states of undress have begun appearing in the area known as 

alt.binaries.pictures.naked.jaffa. Several of these images have also 

obviously been altered. Badly. I have never, on any occasion, had sexual relations on the hood of a police car. Please correct this situation immediately.

* * *

From: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Do me a favor?

For some reason, my usenet newsgroup creation priveleges have been revoked. Can you create a couple of newsgroups for me?

alt.sex.fetish.chocolate-covered.drjackson   
alt.sex.fetish.drjackson.in.drag alt.images.binaries.drjacksons.butt alt.sex.creative.drjackson.fantasies alt.sex.stories.drjackson.penthouse.letters alt.sex.fetish.feet.drjackson

Thanks, Spacemonkey! You're a real pal!  
Me

* * *

From: [JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subjet: re: Do me a favor?

As per your request, I have created the following newsgroups:

alt.binaries.music.oneill.singing alt.binaries.images.oneill.humor alt.sex.stories.masturbation.oneill.large.phallic.vegetables

Glad to be of help,  
Daniel

* * *

From: [SimmonsGR@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:SimmonsGR@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Usenet Problems.

Sir, for some reason the usenet group you helped me create, 

alt.binaries.images.erotica.astrophysicists.inandoutof.uniform has disappeared. Please help.

* * *

From: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: HOWL!!!

Please direct your attention to the base usenet server, where the official winner has been declared in the insulting usenet group Olympics:

alt.sex.stories.masturbation.oneill.large.phallic.vegetables

Yes, our boy Daniel has won the gold. I'm so proud I could bust. Don't you DARE delete it! 

Speaking of busting, I think I busted something when I fell out of my chair laughing and must now hobble to see Doc Fraiser. Computers are DANGEROUS. I think I need to go get shot at to unwind.

Me

* * *

From: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:JacksonDA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Don't tell on me!

Before you kill Col. O'Neill, I thought you should see this. Don't tell him I forwarded it to you!

Sam

\---forwarded message---  
From: [ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:ONeillJA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: HOWL!!!

Please direct your attention to the base usenet server, where the official winner has been declared in the insulting usenet group Olympics:

alt.sex.stories.masturbation.oneill.large.phallic.vegetables

Yes, our boy Daniel has won the gold. I'm so proud I could bust. Don't you DARE delete it! 

Speaking of busting, I think I busted something when I fell out of my chair laughing and must now hobble to see Doc Fraiser. Computers are DANGEROUS. I think I need to go get shot at to unwind.

Me  
\---end forwarded message---

* * *

From: [Jaffa.Tealc@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](http://astele.co.uk/AlphaGate/Chapter/Details/Jaffa.Tealc@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:CarterSA@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Continued problems with usenet.

Major Carter, I regret to inform you that although you have removed the area of the usenet information server known as 

alt.binaries.pictures.naked.jaffa erroneous information is now 

appearing in the area known as alt.tealc.creative.erotica. That 

sexual position is not physically possible.

Please correct this information immediately.

* * *

From: [HammondGL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:HammondGL@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
To: [AllHands@CMAFB.USAF.MIL](mailto:AllHands@CMAFB.USAF.MIL)  
Subject: Usenet server

Due to repeated violations of the Air Force's acceptable use of computers policy, I am hereby ordering Major Carter to decommission the base usenet server. Further, I am extermely disappointed in the unprofessional behavior displayed on said server. Posting on the server ends now; Major Carter, you will disconnect that server from the network and reformat the hard drive ASAP. All backups will be destroyed.


End file.
